Unbridgeable
by Creative Dummy
Summary: Destruction she can do. Destruction is what she's good at. The prospects of healing freaks her out and forgiving and forgetting isn't even in her vocabulary. Kelly/Nicky/iChat/Angst :Companion piece to Life, Love and Denim:


**Title: **Unbridgeable

**Disclaimer: **We (Life's Crash Test Dummy & Creatively Licensed B) own nothing. Best believe if we did Nicky Russo would still be on the show or in the very least mentioned from time to time.

**Spoiler: **Up to chapter 21 of _Life, Love and Denim _(the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants MIOBI-style story). If you haven't read it, you might want to check that out for this to make sense.

**Note: **Since the Cruz Family extra was late, thought we'd post this one early. Enjoy!

**Warning:** This piece is really sad.

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**Unbridgeable**

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The day after Kaylie Cruz pulls her surprise visit to gymnastics camp, Kelly decides it's time to talk to Nicky completely of her own accord.

When Faith ditched her plane home to New York, it's sets off red flags and Senator Giancana takes a private jet down to Texas. With Faith trying to deal with her issues, Kelly is alone with issues of her own. There's no Faith to give her those pleading puppy dog looks that she's so damn good at. No Faith to drop hints and generally bug the crap out of her.

It really does amaze Kelly that Faith keeps her promise and doesn't push. It's always been Faith's style to be persistent even after Kelly asks her to quit it in her almost-nice voice. That's why when Faith shuts up about Nicky, Kelly knows she must have really gotten to Faith somewhere amidst the tears and blubbering during that emotional breakdown post-attacking Kaylie Cruz.

So Kelly spends the next day sitting in bed, listening to music and watching all the other girls pack. Tricia Skilken is the first to go, on a redeye to Boston, and Kelly couldn't be happier about it. Joanne has her boyfriend driving in from Dallas to come get her and Kelly realizes she might actually miss her little worker bee.

Kelly is scheduled to leave for Denver tomorrow morning and it makes her want to blow her brains out at the idea of being on the same plane as Kaylie and Payson. Kelly never asks Payson to choose a side, never pressures her as easy as that would be, because she already knows Payson's answer. She'd choose Kaylie Cruz just like Nicky did. Kelly already knows. Why bother force Keeler to say it out loud?

The truth is Kelly doesn't want to talk to Nicky because then it all becomes too real.

Gymnastics camp has become a sort of limbo, caught between the real and the make-believe. The shit that went down here, Faith's loss and Keeler's accidents, was all too real, but other aspects of it, winning that fake ass "medal" in that fake ass "meet" and the very idea of her and Payson Keeler being real friends, feels like a fantasy that will disintegrate upon leaving camp boundaries. Kelly likes gymnastics camp limbo. Reality is too harsh and too terrible.

It may seem like Kelly is entirely too set in her ways and she certainly is, but that doesn't mean she hasn't considered the bigger picture. She knows that she isn't the only one affected by this. Shunning Nicky means the collapse of the Denver three musketeers. She could care less about Nicky's feelings right now. It's Faith that makes her stop and reconsider.

Faith doesn't need any more loss in her life right now. That crazy bitch is the one reason Kelly thinks it right to fake her way through it, slapping on a fake ass smile and hide the urge to break something when they do their fake ass three musketeer bonding bullshit. He'll apologize and she'll tell him "whatever" and "I'm over it" and because he's Nicky he'll think she means it and go on to live his happy life while she cries herself to sleep every night. Harsh and terrible indeed.

The only problem with that scenario is it wouldn't be real, but it wouldn't be fantasy either. To pretend to still be friends when she most certainly doesn't want to would only taint the friendship they had, make it hollow, and Kelly would rather cling to happy, real memories instead of putting on a fake, empty show.

In the end, she always comes back to the decision to call it off. Faith is going to be across the country or wherever Faith intends to go and Kelly knows for a fact that Nicky will stop trying. If she manages to hold on to her iron resolve (which will be easier once Faith isn't there to be sneaky and try to force them back together) it'll be easier to move on. To heal.

After thinking about everything every night before going to sleep, Kelly has finally pinpointed where it all went wrong. She's picked out a pattern over the coarse of her life and it's pretty fucking depressing to realize that she's so unhappy because she makes the same mistake again and again. Kelly lets herself get too comfortable and when that happens bad things seem to follow.

She gets comfortable at home, having two parents who loved her and loved each other. Then the divorce happened and tore that apart. She let herself get comfortable as reigning National Champion. Then Payson Keeler outperformed her and stole all of that. She let herself get comfortable with Nicky. All it took was Kaylie Cruz, two months and a hot summer in Spain and now it's over.

Her and Nicky hadn't always been so comfortable. When they had started out, they were so young and so inexperienced and things had been more than a little clumsy and awkward. He'd always shy away after like he was ashamed and knew it was wrong. Kelly had been so confused and didn't know what was happening, what their friendship was evolving into, but she had been too attached and wanted him to love her so much that she never refused the next time it happened all over again.

Somewhere along the line it had become routine and went from something impulsive and chaotic to something sweet and stable. In the beginning, their kisses had been sloppy and frantic, like they were always so afraid that this time would be the last time. Then when they came to terms with the fact that neither was ending it anytime soon, the kisses became more affectionate and attentive. Deeper. More meaningful.

It almost makes her want to laugh, thinking about the last time they were together right before he left for Spain. Kelly had lied there, trying to catch her breath, waiting for him to mumble that he's leaving, trying so hard to convince herself that she didn't want him to stay. Instead, she felt his arm wrap around her waist and when she turned to look at him, his eyes were closed tight.

"You're leaving tomorrow. Shouldn't you go home?" she asked bluntly. He opened his eyes just enough to see her and when he smiled, Kelly felt so self-conscious, realizing he can probably sense her fake indifference. God, why can't she be attached to the stupid ones?

"Too tired. I don't wanna drive so you should get used to it and cuddle with me." Nicky closed his eyes again, missing the way Kelly scoffed at him. "Parks, I'm going to miss you. And not just the awesome sex. I'm really going to miss _you_."

Kelly groaned. Seriously, how was she expected to be a bitch when he said shit like that?

When she moved closer and her head accidentally fell to his chest, Nicky wrapped his arms around her. Because Kelly always took solace in the dark and it made her feel less exposed, she closed her eyes as she whispered, "Don't forget about me, Nick."

He chuckled lazily. "Not possible, Parks."

Had she known that last time would literally be _the last time_ she would've done everything differently. She would have held on tighter and kissed him harder like the world was ending (like their world _is_ ending). If she knew he'd trade her in for someone better, she would have done it out of lust and not some silly hope that he'd eventually realize he was in love with her too. She would have demanded he leave right after. And she definitely wouldn't have fucking cuddled with him.

Kelly doesn't want to talk to him, but she knows she has to. It's the only way to set herself free from all this. So later in the day when Payson is catching up with her BFF and Faith has her phone off because that's one of her dad's rules, Kelly goes to the computer lab.

Upon entering the lab, Kelly warns the supervisor that she's going to need her privacy and it's annoying that the middle age woman looks at her like she knows Kelly's going to download porn or something. The woman tells her that it's against policy and Kelly just shrugs and goes to the very back. Kelly was trying to save the woman the trauma, but that isn't her problem.

The first words out of Kelly's mouth once she sees Nicky on the computer screen, "I want my shit back."

It almost makes her laugh because things like that are coined by pissy future exes in the inevitable yet terribly cliché break up scene. Technically, her and Nicky had never been together even though they had in the most physically sense of the word. Nicky Russo isn't and never was her boyfriend, but this break up scene is still both necessary and inevitably terrible.

Kelly has been thinking all day. She had a gameplan for this, so many things she wanted to say to him in what she's preparing to call the last time she really talks to him. The next time she actually sees him is to take back her shit. Better yet, she'll get Faith to do. Kelly had it all in her head, everything she'd say, line by line, yet somehow _that_ is what comes out.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Nicky says.

Right out of the gates, this conversation isn't very productive and already it's starting to piss her off.

Pursing her lips, Kelly elaborates, "My. Shit. The stuff I left at your house. I want it back. Every tube of lipgloss and pair of earrings, all my clothes that somehow always end up on your floor, every DVD, CD and mix I ever made you. It's mine and I want it back."

"But those mixes were gifts," Nicky argues. "You can't take back gifts. I'm not giving any of it back. What do you think this is, exactly?"

"We're doing what mom and dad did when they got divorced minus the lawyers and contracts. I think we can agree to be mature enough to work this out ourselves," Kelly says with a cold, professionalism to her voice. "When I get back I'll collect everything of yours at my house and I'll have Faith send it over to you and you give my stuff to her."

Though she does a good job at appearing distant, Kelly feels an ache. She already knows the first thing to go—his old, faded hoodie that she always steals and wears. Before tossing it into the box with the rest of his crap, Kelly already knows she'll hold it against her face and breathe in its scent of grass and peppermint from all those nights they'd go out to eat at their favorite restaurant, steal a handful of mints on their way and sit in the middle of a soccer field at the nearby high school. They'd talk and maybe make out and he'd always wrap that hoodie tight around her shoulders.

"Can we just talk?" Nicky asks. "Please."

"What do you want to talk about?" Kelly snarls. Nicky is smart enough to stay quiet, knowing she means it rhetorically. "How I was always honest with you and you lied to me about your little girlfriend the entire summer?"

"I sent you that letter telling you—"

"Sure, a month after the fact," Kelly says angrily. "Nick, I told you _everything_, about how I actually started thinking of Keeler as a friend and how I'm afraid Faith is going to fall apart every time she takes a fucking breath. Then what did you say back? You talked about the weather. I had to find out through Keeler. Do you know what that's like? One minute everything is perfect and the next you realize you just made it all up in your head? I feel like an idiot."

"I wasn't even sure at that point," Nicky argues.

"Well, Cruz sounded pretty sure about you, but then again you get off on stringing girls along, don't you?" Kelly says. Her shaky fingers grab at the piece of paper in front of her and she holds it up to the screen. "After I found out through Keeler, I asked you if you met anyone interesting and what did you say? 'No. Just me and Hector hanging out as always.' _Lies_."

She rips up the letters right in front of the camera at the top of the monitor. All that time he spent, thinking of what to write and making sure his handwriting was legible, destroyed in a matter of seconds. Destruction she can do. Destruction is what she's good at. The prospects of healing freaks her out and forgiving and forgetting isn't even in her vocabulary. Kelly throws the bits and pieces at the screen, ignoring his expression of utter devastation.

"I didn't know how to tell you," he says. "I knew you'd be pissed."

"Like I'm not pissed now?" She sucks in a shaky breath and he doesn't even try to argue.

It almost makes her cry, thinking about how at one point on several occasions all they've ever had between them were layers of clothes later to be torn off and left wrinkles on the floor. Now there's so much separating them, miles, oceans and, of course, the circumstances that prompted this improvised chat. Even more than that, there's an emotional barrier between them. More and more, Kelly is convinced it's unbridgeable.

"Hey, Nick," she says with that sly-tone of voice that almost always means trouble. "Let's play a game."

"Kelly, I don't have time for your games."

"It's an easy game, or, well, hard depending on how you play. All you have to do is tell the truth."

Nicky wets his lips before responding, "We play question for question."

Kelly lazily shrugs one shoulder. "Fair."

"Fine."

"When did you meet her?"

"A week after I got here."

"And you didn't think to mention it then?" Kelly asks sharply.

Nicky shakes his head. "Hold up. It's my turn. Why do you hate Kaylie so much?"

"Maybe because she's a vapid clueless bitch," Kelly says. "Do you not remember Boulder? She thought I had a thing for her equally as vapid Chia Pet of a boyfriend, didn't even bother to check her sources and just went along with whatever torture was planned for the day. I'd be stupid not to hate her."

"Kel, you know most of that was Lauren Tanner—"

"Oh, my God. Are you seriously trying to justify what she did? And that question's rhetorical because of course you're going to defend _your girlfriend_. See. This is why we can't be friends anymore. Every conversation we have for now on is going to be exactly like this."

"We…we can't be friends anymore?" he quietly asks, sounding so sad.

As much as she wants to shut this down right now and return to her cabin, Kelly forces herself to look straight into the camera. "You sure you want to waste your question on something as painfully obvious as that?"

Nicky looks down at his hands, mumbling, "It's your turn."

Kelly feels herself weakening just at the sight of him. She wants to take it back, but needs to fight through the urge. The easiest way to do that is to get him to stop looking so fucking sad. She'll make him angry instead. "So does your girlfriend know that the nights you weren't screwing me in my bed, you had Faith in your bed?"

"Stop it," he growls. She's always gotten off on getting him angry. It was also the easiest way to keep him from getting too close and wanting to get closer. "You know Faith and I never did anything. She just doesn't like being alone at night."

"Yeah, I get that, but does Kaylie?" Kelly asks. "Don't tell me this doesn't change everything. We won't be together anymore. Faith has to sleep alone. You'll probably be in Boulder every weekend. How am I the only one who thinks it's just easier to cut ties now than watch each other drift away?"

"What is this really about?" he asks. "Because we both know it isn't Kaylie. She's just your scapegoat. What are you really angry about?"

And in honor of their last ever conversation, she figures she might as well tell him. "You knew I had feelings for you this whole time and you didn't feel the same yet you always ended up with me every night. I know why I did it. Why did you?"

"Parks, I—I didn't know—"

"No," she interrupts him. "That's not the game. Don't lie to me."

"I don't want to play anymore."

"Wow. We grew up together and you can't even tell _me_ the truth. That Kaylie Cruz sure has her work cut out for her. She has a lot of reprogramming to do," she says bitterly. Kelly looks down at the keyboard covered in shreds of paper. "Just forget I even mentioned it. I think we're done here."

"Parks, why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm sick of all the lies. We lie to each other so much that sometimes I wonder why we even bother pretending we're friends. This is me finally being real with you. I'm serious about never seeing you again and getting my shit back," Kelly says.

"Just know you're being ridiculous," Nicky says. "So this is it?"

"Yup," she says, bored and already opening a game of online Scrabble.

"No more burning questions?" Nicky asks. "Just game over?"

"Hmm, since you asked. I do have a question," Kelly says. She clicks and moves over the tiles to spell out 'perturb' and waits for her opponent's turn, glancing over at where Nicky is staring at her expectantly.

"Oh, I'm all ears."

"So what is it about Kaylie Cruz that's worth giving up everything we had?" Nicky looks away, grunting irritably and seeing this, Kelly slams her fists against the table. "Come on, Nick, man up. Tell the truth. Did you…was it…love?" She realizes how fucking vulnerable she sounds and on instinct, she turns to anger. "Or was it just because she gave it up so easily? I mean, judging on who her mom is I bet you were fucking her—"

"Kelly, stop! It isn't like that! It's just different with Kaylie, okay? What Kaylie and me have, it was never like this with you!" His voice, the volume, transferred over oceans and miles, comes out fuzzy, but she hears every word and it leaves her still in her seat. The realization of what he's just said, its impact on her, shows as regret on his pixilated face. "Crap. Parks, I didn't mean…"

But it doesn't matter what he meant. She's already tuned him out. Her eyes are on Scrabble. Her opponent finally counters with 'boy.' Not fucking worth her time. Just like this video chat nonsense.

Kelly feels the pressure build in her chest and the dryness constrict her throat. Of all the people who have disappointed her throughout her life, Kelly never thought Nicky would be one. Her parents have left her high and dry so many times that nothing they do is particularly surprising. Faith is fiercely dedicated, but also a complete flake so her coming and going has become routine and expected. Not Nicky. She always had Nicky. Not anymore.

Swallows hard, Kelly forces air in through her nose, filling her chest. She's Kelly Fucking Parker. She has more dignity and control than this. She isn't supposed to let anyone touch her. On screen, Nicky's lips are moving in what she assumes are clumsy attempts to undo the damage, but they both know it's useless. The pain in her chest only seems to multiply when she looks at him and despite the way he's just shattered her, the impulse to kiss him, to erase the last few minutes or the last two months as long as they can be together, is still there.

A tune starts to play in her head, such a slow and sad sound. This is what she does right before a meet, when the other gymnasts are eyeing her with their versions of "intimidating stares" and the judges are watching her, judging her before she even hits any of the apparatus. She loses herself in music because most times, music is an effective escape.

The lyrics slowly come to her and it reminds her of those lazy Sunday afternoons at gymnastics camp the previous summer, Faith, fully infatuated with Smolderetti, twirling in circles around the room, playing this song while insisting it was _their song_—hers and Smolderdouche—back when he was more smolder and less douche. Now, however, Kelly knows better. Smolderetti _is _a douche and this song more accurately describes her and Nicky. This. Whatever this is. Or, well, _was_.

Fully ignoring the chat and even the game of Scrabble, fully immersed in the melody and the words accompanying it, a smile ghosts her lips and her eyes are dead. Kelly knows such a beautiful song should be left for the talented and the expert and she is by no means either, but for some reason she feels her voice start to rise from the back of her throat. In this moment, pride is the last of her concerns. She's convinced Nicky needs to hear it.

"And why do you sing Hallelujah if it means nothing to yah," she says, low and hoarse, shivering as she recalls the song's soulful singer and the hauntingly beautiful string section. Lifting her eyes to the screen, in breathy whispers, Kelly continues, "Why'd you sing with me at all?"

Blinking at her, confused, Nicky asks, "What?"

For someone so smart, he's so stupid. A moment wasted. Kelly heaves a heavy sigh.

"I'm logging off now," Kelly says, struggling just to get the words past her lips. Her tears have leaked onto the keyboard, streams down her cheeks and she doesn't even try to hide it from him.

"Wait." Nicky leans forward, closer to the webcam like he can physically stop her from leaving even though he can't. "Parks, I…I'm sorry…"

Her voice is listless as she tells him, "I need to go. Just…have a nice life, okay?"

"Wait," he says again. He's so close to the screen and when he realizes this, Nicky falls back, rubbing his hand over the length of his face. "Just…why does it have to end this way?"

"Because." Kelly feels the frustration creeping in and with her, frustration turns too easily to anger.

"Because?" he quizzically repeats. "That isn't an answer."

"Because I _want_ things to end this way! Is that so hard for you to comprehend? How much louder do I need to say it before you finally get it?" Her voice rises again and she feels she's losing grip on that control. Her mind searches for that song, but when she finds it, the lyrics only make her cry harder. Suddenly feeling so vulnerable and so small, she whispers, "Just leave me alone, Nick. It's over."

Looking pointblank into the camera, into her eyes, in an infuriatingly calm voice, Nicky whispers, "Okay. Now say it again without lying."

His voice. His eyes. The mixed signals. She can't take it.

With the click of a button, Kelly exits the chat and just like that, he's gone. Kelly shuts her eyes as a sob rattles in her throat. Taking a deep breath, Kelly opens her eyes and that last image of him is still frozen there. Kelly presses her fingertips to the screen, tracing the curve of his jaw, before she catches herself and shuts it down. Taking another deep breath, she swipes the back of her hand across her eyes, reassembling her armor, ready to go back out into the real world.

As she turns in her chair, Kelly gets a glimpse of Kaylie Cruz, looking like a deer in headlights before she ducks away. Just at the sight of her, Kelly is annoyed. As good as it would feel, to take all her swirling emotions out on something, to break something in a way that's just as intense as the way she herself is breaking, Kelly just holds her head high and walks out.

"He's all yours."

Three words.

Shorter sentences always seem to hold the most meaning. _She passed away. I'm so sorry. I love you._ And now, _he's all yours_. Three words that take her breath away. But instead of feeling instant dread or a flutter of the heart, she feels so cold. So alone.

The festivities in celebration of the end of the summer camp season are in full swing. There are visiting parents everywhere, coaches and counselors schmoozing and Joanne's boyfriend (with the Bieber hair) showed up. A tall, blonde guy is third wheeling and Joanne says she wants to introduce Kelly to him, but she declines as calmly as she can and goes back to cabin seven.

Kelly grabs her purse and her iPod and when she's sure she's alone she reaches into her suitcase beneath her bed and inside, wrapped in an issue of Times Magazine (because who would accidently see that and want to read it?) is the flask she "took care of" for Payson. The metal container is at least half full and heavy as she slips it into her bag. Earphones in, Kelly walks to the far end of the camp, away from where all the fun is happening and she sits in the dirty behind the gym.

She doesn't drink. She's self-respecting and smarter than that. Not to mention, alcohol is like poison to an elite athlete. It makes you weak and sluggish in a world that demands strength and focus. Kelly tells herself that this is a one-time thing because in a situation that's seemingly irresolvable there's this. It'll fill her, warm her, make her _feel_ and by the time the flask is empty, it'll leave her numb and that's what she so desperately needs.

After the first sip, Kelly makes a face and nearly spits it out. What the fuck, Austin? Who drinks this crap for fun? Then again, she isn't doing this for fun. Alcohol is escapism at its best.

Sips turn to gulps and she really wishes she had something else to wash it down, but all she does is turn up the volume of her iPod and concentrate on the music rather than the taste. Kelly starts to feel the effects set in. Her entire face feels like it's on fire and her heart thumps loudly in her chest. It's such a rush and at one point she freaks out and thinks something's wrong with her, but then the buzz hits and she feels so relaxed and everything gets hazy.

After some time of solitude, sitting out there in the dark, Austin finds her. It's like he's a fucking bloodhound with her scent or something, always there just incase she gives in to the all-consuming rage and ends up causing bodily harm to Kaylie Cruz. Honestly, Kelly finds it annoying how he's keeping such a close watch on her. It makes Kelly wonder if Faith feels that exact same way about her.

Kelly starts a new game with Austin that involve questions and trading sips of SoCo and a part of her knows he's only playing along because sharing booze means less for her to drink, but Kelly doesn't particularly care about his motives at this point. The more she drinks the fuzzier things get and the more attractive Austin starts to look. Though she's on her way to drunk, Kelly wouldn't do that to Payson. Even though she won't admit it to anyone, Kelly considers Payson her friend. Kelly would never want to make Payson of all people feel the way she feels right now.

"I dunno what everyone expected me to do," Kelly says. Her words run into each other, but at least to her own ears it sounds coherent enough. "What other options do I have?"

"Hmm," Austin murmurs. "Well, you could pretend to be happy for him?" Kelly snorts at the suggestion. "Yeah, I didn't think you'd go for that either. Just forget everyone else. Do what you need to do _for you_. I get it, y'know. You need your space. Everyone just needs to respect that."

"Holy crap," Kelly says. "You—you're on my side?"

"Sure, you can say that," Austin says. "I'll tell yah, KP, I know it feels like it right now, but the hurt won't be forever. It'll get easier. It's just gonna take time. No one else understands it because Payson hasn't experienced anything like this, Faith is all instant gratification and the Nicky dude is, well, a dude. Just take care of yourself. Everything will fall into place eventually."

"Why are you telling me all this?"

"Because you let your walls down," Austin says. "And, in the morning, you won't remember _I_ said it, but you'll remember."

"I need you to do something for me."

"And what's that, Parker?"

"Talk to Keeler," Kelly says. "Play stupid all you want, but you have _something_ with her. Don't let her get on that plane without figuring out where you stand. Wayz I seez it, you have two options—" Kelly holds up three fingers, "—either, _yes_, you could have something, maybe, in the future or, _no_, this is just a summer thing. Make sure she gets it because if you let her go and she makes up shit in her head, it's going to suck when Perez is suddenly plastering the web with news that you're dating some hot actress or model or former crack whore prostitute and _Payson doesn't deserve that_."

"What if I don't even know what it is?"

"Then you'll lose her and you'll deserve it," Kelly says matter-of-factly. "And you can forget all this BFF bonding bullshit 'cuz if you made her feel what I'm feeling right now, I can almost guarantee Faith and me are gonna cut you up into little pieces and send you down Clear Creek."

"Wow, it's scary how I don't doubt that," Austin says. "Okay. I'll talk to her first thing tomorrow. Best do it sober."

"Good," Kelly says, sitting back against the side of the gym. "Now bring her here before I pass out. I wanna say something. Ugh, your testosterone is making me want to barf."

"That's probably the SoCo." Austin chuckles. "A little thing like you? Lucky the flask was barely half full. Otherwise you'd be passed out in your own puke by now."

"Shit is nasty," Kelly says. "Too sweet."

"Probably because you're supposed mix it with something or at least chase it," Austin says. "I'll bring you a soda or something. Yeah, flying back to Denver tomorrow? Not gonna be fun for you, boozy." Austin almost looks proud and Kelly lazily waves him off. "If my little sister could drink, I'm pretty sure it'll be just like that."

"Shut up! Get Keeler!"

Austin obediently gets up and takes off for the dining hall. When she's alone again, Kelly decides that there's only one way she sees any of this going. Kelly will go back to Denver Elite to train, investing everything she has, everything she _is_ into her dream and she's going to make it to the Olympics. Nicky is going do his school thing and his relationship with Kaylie and they'll both be so preoccupied that they won't even see each other, not even by accident. In the days that follow their separation, she already knows she's going to feel like a part of her is missing. Kelly's plan isn't to find something to fill the void, but to embrace it, to befriend the emptiness and eventually she'll get used to it.

Faith will come and go and when she is in Denver she'll split her time between them, making cracks about how they've turned her into a statistic of divorce. Faith will assure Nicky that Kelly is doing just fine on her own and leak to Kelly that Nicky told her Kaylie sucks in bed. By then it won't hurt to hear his name or his girlfriend's name or their stupid couple name—Kaylicky—that Kelly feels stupid for even thinking about. It won't hurt anymore because by then she'll have accepted it or at least numbed herself enough to say she's over it without twitching.

On the darkest, quietest and loneliest of nights, Kelly will regret all of it. She'll sit alone in bed and stare at his number on the screen of her BlackBerry. She'll wish things could have been different, but be at a loss as to how she could have done anything differently without compromising who she is. Then she'll delete his number and try to sleep just to get up an hour later, program his number back in and hate herself for not being able to let go when he so obviously has.

Those nights the nightmares come, nightmares where she tried, where she stayed friends with him just to be shoved to the sidelines, forced to watch Nicky and Kaylie and their matching outfits and their matching smiles and their suffocating happiness. It'll make her wake up suddenly, drenched in a cold sweat, relieved it was only a nightmare, but realizing she's just as alone.

Other nights, however, there will be those that are legitimate dreams—where Nicky comes back to her. Even though Kelly made it clear that she wants nothing to do with him, Nicky will man up and tell her she can't boss him around anymore. She'll argue and bitch and curse him out. She might even go as far as to hit him, physical pain that fails to match the emotional pain he's put her through. Nicky won't cower. He won't run. He'll wait till she calms down before he tells her that things are over with Kaylie. She won't believe him at first, but then he'll smile that stupid boyish smile and call her _Parks_ and she'll be a goner.

There'll be something different about him, but at the very core he'll still be her Nick. He'll still be smart and like to show off how smart he is. He'll still have a thing for boats and fall asleep at eleven o'clock like an old man trapped in a young body. The differences are subtle like the way he'll hold doors open for her now and look at her like he knows it gives her a thrill.

Kelly will give him that smile that she reserves only for him and he'll kiss her in that way that always asks her to give him her everything and this time he'll promise he won't just let it slip away. Then late at night when they're both lying awake, Kelly will turn over to face him and she'll start to say something, to question if any of this is real this time or just another one of their twisted games, but then she'll stop, not knowing if she wants that answered or not. Instead she'll lean in to kiss him and pray to God that he'll kiss her back and he will.

The sad thing is that it'll probably never happen, but sometimes it is nice to dream.

…

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**Author's note: **How depressing was that? _Review. _


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